Orioke no Jutsu: The Unofficial Sex Goddess
by LittleHellion
Summary: They were bothered. They called in reinforcements. Those bastards didn't know what hit them. A tale of two secret identities, shattered pride, and true love. ...Or maybe just an authoress on crack. Happy birthday, Naruto!
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: This story is Officially Disclaimed.

This is a humorous, cracky, three-part story. Yes, it is pure insanity. Yes, I should be working on AD. But I really don't care.

Happy birthday, Naruto! I can't really give you a present (not least because you're a fictional character), so I'm writing this story instead.

**Prologue**

* * *

My closest friends were the only ones who knew about my secret. 

The rest didn't know about the identity of the woman who made the perverted assholes squirm.

How could they _not _squirm? My feminine aspects are _perfect. _I worked hard to get them that way. And when they find out my plan…

Well, they don't _really _have anyone to blame but themselves. After all, _they _are the assholes. A person like me is a pervert's worst nightmare.

This all started when Sakura, my best friend, was accosted on her way home from an all-day training session. She'd worked hard, and was ready to collapse. The older man (who was drunk off his ass and _very, very _horny) had latched onto her wrist, spouting some nonsense about beauty and sex and payment. Sakura, who is a formidable kunoichi, had punched him into next week. But not before he'd gotten a good grope in.

I was furious; were there really men out there who would do things like that? Who would pay money to someone who didn't _work _as a prostitute? And they had the audacity to threaten my _friends? _Even ero-sennin had more sense than that! What…absolute jerks! They would pay.

Oh yes, they would _all _pay. And I knew exactly how to make them.

You see…I had something _other _girls _didn't_. When I flaunted my goods, or batted my blue eyes teasingly from behind a curtain of blonde hair, those idiots couldn't help but drool. After they stopped their nosebleeds, I revealed my trump card.

That _thing _I had that other girls didn't?

It's a secret identity.


	2. Chapter One

**Chapter One  
**

* * *

It happened when I was alone in a secluded part of the forest, looking for flaws in my technique. 

Who would've thought that Uchiha Sasuke would betray Konoha as an asexual preteen, and come back a _very _horny sixteen-year-old? Yeah, yeah, Sasuke _was _only twelve, but he was _literally _asexual. As in, everyone wondered if he even had reproductive _organs!_

Apparently, he _did. _And, contrary to what the new speculations were, Sasuke was _not _gay. He was very, very straight. And apparently, somewhat attracted to blue-eyed blondes like me. Or at least…who I _pretended _to be.

I _almost _led him on; it would've made my victory that much sweeter. I wanted to see if the genjutsu would work on _everyone. _But, in order to keep him from total emotional breakdown (and to keep myself sane), I decided to let him know who I was.

After the effects of my genjutsu wore off and he threatened to kill me if I said anything, and all that jazz, he actually did something I thought I'd never see…

He laughed.

Uchiha Sasuke, Konoha's reigning cold-hearted bastard, laughed. And then, after hearing the reasoning for my plan, he promised to help me.

After all, Sakura was his forgiving teammate (and something more, I was _sure). _Of _course _he'd want to help me protect her (and all of our friends, but mostly just her)!

At first, I wasn't sure what he could _possibly _help me with. After all, any genjutsu of his would be too powerful; he couldn't help it. But then, I realized how much info I could get about a perverted asshole's mind.

Perverted _assholes _are different than simple perverted _men. Men _won't jump straight to sex. They'll try to court a lady, get to know her. That's why they're called _men. _Assholes, on the other hand…

They're the kind that will jump any girl, as long as she's willing. They're the kind worse than the ero-sennin…and, no matter how much pride he took in his perverted psyche; that was _not _a compliment _or _a good thing.

Sure, Sasuke was an asshole. Sure, he _totally _hit on me, even though I could tell he had more than a little thing for Sakura, but we blamed that on the genjutsu. Sure, he wasn't _really _a pervert. But he was the kind of person I needed; the kind of person who could tell me more about the minds of my victims. Of course, he really had no choice…I was doing him a favor by not spreading my victory around. And I promised to help him woo Sakura.

I never thought I'd see the day when the tables were turned, and Sasuke was a Sakura fan…boy?

Well…at least he was _discreet _about it. And since Sakura still loved him, and only _pretended_ to push him away because she didn't want him to hurt her again, _my _end of the deal would be a cinch.

But of course, I didn't tell Sasuke _that _bit of trivia.

We decided together that we would tell Sakura about our plan. Or rather, _I _would tell Sakura about _my _plan, and leave Sasuke out of it. _He _said it was because he was _only_ giving me information…but I knew better. Sasuke-chan was just afraid to anger his teammate (and inevitably get the living snot punched out of him).

Just because he loved her didn't mean he wasn't being a wuss.

But I did as he'd asked, and left him out of it. He shouldn't have worried; Sakura had trained under the _Hokage, _who was known for not only pounding her former teammate when she caught him being pervy, but her temper and ruthless nature, as well. Needless to say, she didn't have a problem with anything I had planned.

In fact, she gave me some helpful ideas.

I spent three days training for my new…project. I learned how to flirt _properly; _I learned exactly what to say when I wanted a specific reaction; and I learned to walk in stilettos

Even in a genjutsu, I needed to learn to do…girly things. Unfortunately, high heels was one of them. Oh, that was the _worst, _but it was necessary; for some reason, men found them extremely sexy. Weirdos.

And what happened to normal training during this whole exercise?

It was still there. I still trained with my team, still stayed fit, and still made sure I could kick the asses of anyone who dared threaten me _or _my friends. None of my 'victims' would ever suspect little old me, anyway.

My life was quiet for a few days; I was assigned a guard mission (B-class, but very boring…we were only bothered by _two _medium-sized groups of ruffians), and stayed away from Konoha for several days.

When I returned, Sakura met me at the gates with a smirk that I _knew _could only mean pain. Either that, or…

Oh! My first mission.

I listened intently as Sakura told me the details of my first assignment. He was a civilian, a man by the name of Nakamura Daijiro. He had scared Hinata out of her wits the day before; not by physically attacking her (she was more than capable of taking care of herself), but by sweet-talking her and trying to get in her pants without outright _asking. _Hinata had grown up without a lot of praise, and I could imagine what it was like to be noticed by a fairly attractive man, who hadn't turned out as nice as he'd _seemed._

A few hours and a shattered pride later, I congratulated myself on a job well done. My first mission had been successful, and to celebrate, I took Sakura out to eat. I was going to tell her to open up to Sasuke again; I had a deal to keep, and I never break my promises.

"Hey, Sakura," I began after we'd sat down in her favorite restaurant, "how have you been?"

She smiled at me, and then went back to studying the menu. "I've been well. While you were gone, I did some different training with Sasuke-" (I noted the slight blush) "-and we actually work really well together."

I nodded. "Yeah, you do look good when you're together."

She stared at me, looking very confused. I grinned at her. "What? Did I say something wrong?"

"N-no, everything's fine. I was just wondering…well…why did you say that?"

"Because you do," I replied cheekily. I was having _way _too much fun with this.

Sakura only nodded, a mystified expression on her face.

-

Genjutsu. Illusionary techniques. Specifically, chakra-based manipulations of the brain. In battle, it is only efficient if the opponent is hopeless in genjutsu, or if they have no way to counter it. In this case, genjutsu was a great weapon.

I admit…I suck at genjutsu. I've never been able to counter it properly, and working an illusion is practically impossible for me. But for some reason, the one I developed on my own worked like a charm. It was easy for me to work, and most people didn't even bother to look for it. Probably because it took very little chakra and because perverted assholes see what they want to see.

Key!

I never did anything but flirt with the men who'd threatened my friends, but the illusion was always in place; men found me alluring, even if I was only saying hello. It was a perfect tool against the people I was targeting, because men with nobler intentions approached me politely and I could turn them down easily.

I never viewed perversion as a good thing. All right, when I was younger, I snuck peeks at a few mild magazines and snuck into the women's baths, but I'd only be half lying if I called it (and I hate to use this term, for fear of sounding like my sensei) 'research.' I really _did_ want to know about women's bodies…so I could emulate them. When I was younger, it was merely a prank; when I got older, it was _war._

It _really _started when I met ero-sennin. He changed my view on women completely. And really, he's the reason I continued expanding the category of techniques I'd dubbed "Orioke no jutsu;" not only was it useful to use against men, but it was a distraction. Ero-sennin could hardly deny me anything if I used one on him.

It became more fun when I realized _why, _exactly, he liked it so much. I was a teenager, after all.

It's interesting to note that I've been called perverted myself; mostly by girls, who didn't wait to hear my explanation for my infamous Orioke no jutsu.

Ah, well. It's not like I've ever been beaten up for it…

Oh, wait, never mind. I have.

* * *

Yes, I did it. SasukexSakura. I like that pairing; it's much more believable than SasukexNaruto, or SasukexHinata, or...yeah. I know it's not popular; most stories (but not all, thank goodness) either bash Sakura and over-dramatize her original fangirlishness to an extreme, or bash Sasuke to an extreme, or don't like malexfemale pairings and put him with Naruto or Neji. I can't believe how many of those there are!

Yes, I admit...I fangirl over malexmale pairings. But that doesn't mean I won't write or read malexfemale! Where will all the little babies come from?!

...Ahem. I shall discontinue my rant before it takes up more space than my chapter does.

And fangirlishness IS a word. I made it up myself.


	3. Chapter Two

**Chapter Two  
**

* * *

My unofficial job was working out splendidly. Of course, there were periods of time where I was gone on missions, or training; but when Sakura had a new mission for me, I couldn't bring myself to pity the poor fools who had threatened my friends. 

They never knew what hit them.

I was sort of a celebrity within Konoha, and the number of men who hit on my friends had dwindled quite a bit. I knew I was nearing the end; after all, they were getting the picture. I never actually showed _my _face; the boy underneath the illusion was mostly bland, and though they forgot my face, they never forgot the action.

Action is always better than words, anyway.

But they knew not to mess with my friends, and that wasn't just extended to kunoichi (though I couldn't, for the life of me, imagine why a man would do that to a _ninja, _who could most definitely kill him without moving from their original spot). It included _everyone _I had befriended.

It would be a lie to say that I'd miss it. I didn't really enjoy flirting with these guys, and I hated acting powerless. So I was looking forward to Sakura's okay; she, after all, knew better than I did.

But there was _one _aspect of my little stunt that was overwhelmingly positive, if unexpected.

Because of my Orioke no jutsu, I found love.

I hadn't seen him in a while, but I felt the pull to him…as I always had. It had taken me a while to define it as attraction; probably because I'd never considered the possibility of being attracted to a male.

To my utmost embarrassment, he saw me under my henge first. I was looking for my next target when he entered the village, and for a moment, I stopped – I'd always known he was attractive, but now…

Hot damn.

As in, _the person I'm looking at is utterly delicious and if I don't leave now I'm going to jump him because he's walking sex._

Needless to say, I fled.

I _did _notice his eyes on me, and it was horrible to think that he was attracted to my henge and not to me. But I didn't dwell on it; after all, I'd just seen my target and I needed to weave my illusion.

Would it be bad to say I had no qualms about tricking these guys?

It came as a complete surprise when _he _caught me later and asked – commanded, really – me to walk with him.

"What was your reason for pretending to be a girl," he queried as soon as we'd begun walking.

I raised my eyebrows. "How did you know it was me?"

He shrugged. "I would know you anywhere."

It was a fact. Of course, _I _would know _him _anywhere, but that was attributed to my attraction to him. I decided not to ask about his statement in favor of answering his original question.

"My friends recently had some trouble with men," I remarked, "and I helped them with it."

Obviously, that wasn't enough information for him.

"I developed a genjutsu. Usually, I suck at them, but this one's different. I can make myself attractive to men – it's part of the technique – and then, when they're taken in by the illusion, I show them that I'm not, in fact, a woman."

He just raised an invisible eyebrow; apparently, he didn't find it as amusing as I did.

"I know, it's very tricky and mean, but they bring it on themselves…if they hurt my friends, we put them in their place. Sakura gives me my assignments, and I carry them out. I'm the only one who can, you know. It's not exactly my cup of tea, but when they find out that instead of an attractive woman, I'm a rather unattractive man…it makes them think about their perversion. They start to consider that hitting on anything with legs and a nice rack isn't exactly the best idea."

He looked thoughtful for a moment, and then frowned. "Why would you say you're unattractive?"

I was _so _not expecting that.

"Er…"

What could I _possibly _say?

"I guess…because I drop the illusion, and…"

I trailed off. Wasn't it obvious?

"_I _don't find you unattractive."

I marveled at my sudden realization that he talked more with me than he did with anyone else before his statement hit me.

"Zuh?"

_Right. _So _intelligent. I don't sound like an idiot at _all.

He just shook his head.

-

Eventually, we discussed the mutual attraction neither of us thought was there, and our first kiss was decidedly better than I could've imagined. When Sakura found out using her uncanny ability to know things without hearing them, she looked as if she would squeal like a fan girl.

Thankfully, she didn't, but I was just as glad for her; Sasuke had finally, _finally, _taken her on a date. Just as she refrained from squealing, I refrained from shouting about how glad I was that Sasuke was finally treating her right.

At that point, she was the only person who knew about my being in love.

But eventually, gossip gets out…and gets skewed. At first, people were shocked to hear that Sabaku no Gaara, Kazekage, was seen kissing the Terror of Konoha.

But the truth…

I was no longer the Terror of Konoha…I loved him too much to flirt with others, despite my good intentions.

Sabaku no Gaara was actually kissing Uzumaki Naruto, and both were happy to keep it that way.

* * *

And...it's done, folks! You can now rant at me, tell me how stupid this idea was, and all that jazz. My writing is for my amusement only, and I've thoroughly entertained myself. Cheers! 


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